Between a Rock and a Hard Place
I’m confused. No laughing please! I’ve met a really nice guy through eHarmony and we’ve been dating for about a month. He’s the first guy that I met on this journey, and I think I got pretty lucky for the first one out of the box. He’s not a player, seems honest, is quite pleasant looking, can carry on a conversation that doesn’t deal exclusively with NASCAR, and frankly he showed up at my house last night with flowers and a bottle of wine. A prince among men in my book! Are my standards too low?
But here’s the thing. I want to be a serial dater! Here is a brief overview of my dating history up to this point in my life…. I was with the same guy for nine years, and believe me he was no prize! I did my time and got out relatively unscathed. Okay, emotionally I got beat up pretty bad, but I’m from resilient stock… check the excess baggage, rub some dirt on it, move on, or whatever other analogy makes it clear that I’m not a big baby! Before him, I always found myself in dating relationships that were exclusive right from the start. That’s what I wanted at that point in my life. During my 20’s and 30’s I was looking for Mr. Right. I wanted to find someone, settle down, get married, and be just like June Cleaver. I was a woman on a mission! And we see in retrospect that that didn’t work out so well for me. Now I’m in my (wince) late 40’s. I’ve been around the block more than once and the last thing I want to do right now is settle down. Hell, I’m just getting started again! Like the old line says, “I’m not looking for Mr. Right. I’m looking for Mr. Right now.”
I have a lunch date with a new guy on Tuesday. And there are two other guys who are interested in setting up dates next week. I should be giddy with excitement! After the years of drought, I’m racking up some serious dating time. Instead I feel guilty, which really sucks. I find myself worrying that maybe I’m leading “eHarmony guy” down the garden path. Is it just because I’ve been away from all of this for so long? Isn’t it okay for me to enjoy the dating smorgasbord? For once in my life, I want to think like a guy! I want to sample what’s out there and have some fun, with no recriminations. Okay, I know that’s probably a horrid generalization about the male of the species, so forgive me gentlemen.
You see, the thing is, I really do believe that with age comes wisdom. What this all gets down to is that I don’t want to “settle” anymore. No more saying that “this is the best that life is going to hand me, so don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” For the first time in a long time, desperation is NOT part of the equation. So while I might be feeling a bit guilty, when I think about it there is a lot of freedom in this too. I’ve joked with several people, saying to them that this dating thing is a “numbers game.” But it really is. The only way I’m going to find out who I might want to spend what’s left of the quality years I have is to get out there and “sample” what the dating world has to offer. Because God knows, they don’t make a “Consumers Report” for what make and model of man is the best. I’ll just have to do the research myself. I feel better already.
Tags: dating, over 40, romance
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March 23, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Here’s some unsolicited advice from a former “serial dater”. First, stop feeling guilty about wanting to “sample what the dating world has to offer.” You’re just getting back in the game, and just because you’ve been able to “score” your first time at bat, doesn’t mean the game’s over after the first inning! (Yes, I have made a sports analaogy). Besides, you should at least get your money’s worth out of these dating sites.
Secondly, if you want to be a serial dater, you must first, foremost, and ALWAYS, be honest with the other person. You must be upfront with the fact that you are not yet ready for a monogomous dating relationship. This doesn’t mean you don’t like the guy (or guys); it means you’re not ready to settle down again – particularly so soon after coming to terms with the break-up of your last relationship and then deciding to put yourself “back out there”. You’re worth waiting for (however short or long that time frame may be). And if eHarmony Guy can’t see, or understand that you need time, then he’s definately not the one for you and it’s best to initiate an amicable split – ASAP.
Which brings me to my last point. If you have even the slightest feeling that you are settling for less with eHarmony Guy, then MOVE ON! YOU are in control – YOU are the Serial Dater. The moniker comes with the responsibility of personal empowerment; You are are the coach calling the shots (more sports!). So, play ball! (Yes, double entendre intended). Have fun and don’t feel guilty. But play fairly and with integrity. Remember, you are, and will always will be, a mobile unit. So date! And keep in mind, what may look like a frog on the outside may be, in fact, a prince on the inside.